Humorous Quotes

"English is a funny language--that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway."
Mark Grasso

"The person who says 'I won't say another word' always does."
Suzan L. Wiener

"One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average."
Jonathan Fuerbringer

"Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil--and you'll never get a job working for a tabloid."
Phil Pastoret

"Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big."
George Carlin

"Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."
Terry Marchal

"Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure."
Michael Levine

"A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large."
Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

"You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something."
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does."
Al Bernstein

"We all basically go back to being children in the dentist's chair."
Arthur Benjamin

"Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut."
Robert Newton Peck

School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone."
Ashley Salvati

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep."
Scott Adams

"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth."
Chuck Norris

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."
Sam Ewing

"Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
Elbert Hubbard

"Children are the most expensive form of entertainment."
Mihaela Iosof

"Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush."
Doug Larson

"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
Bill Cosby

"A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase."
Unknown

"The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise."
Tommy Bolt

"The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good."
Polish Proverb

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left."
"Smile" Zingers

"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."
Laurence J. Peter

"Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest."
Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

"Forgive your enemies--if you can't get back at them any other way."
Franklin P. Jones

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
W.C. Fields

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."
Franklin P. Jones

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
Doug Larson

"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely."
Lubna Azmi

"I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner."
Lisa Leslie

"The greatest thing I ever lost was my mind."
Ozzy Osbourne

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction
Albert Einstein

"We're going to have the best educated Americans in the world."
President Dan Quayle

"I speak twelve languages -- English is the bestest."
Stefan Bergman

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up."
Phyllis Diller

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like 'What I'm going to be if I grow up'."
Lenny Bruce

"My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had, so he sent me to a girls' school."
Jack Herbert

"Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.
Fran Lebowitz

"Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good."
Samuel Johnson

"If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research."
Wilson Mizner

"My brother-in-law wrote an unusual murder story. The victim got killed by a man from another book."
Robert Sylvester

"If you can't annoy somebody there is little point in writing."
Kingsley Amis

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought 'why should I?' He never reads any of mine.
Spike Milligan

"He is a distinguished man of letters. He works for the Post Office.
Max Kaufmann

Copyright 2004-2008